


The Sun Will Shine On Us Again

by thinasadime



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Sad, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, but also because im sad so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:15:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24624574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinasadime/pseuds/thinasadime
Summary: No one's a stranger to pain, especially not Levi. But with every loss, something in him breaks and he's left trying to cope and mend the pieces.it should really come as no surprise that his coping mechanisms are shit.
Relationships: Levi & Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 15
Kudos: 83





	1. apéritif

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a very long time since I've actually written anything and I watched snk again so lol yeah.   
> I'm not English and I'm pretty stupid so please if there are any mistakes, point them out for me to correct. if you think there are things that I should've tagged, please inform me. enjoy :).

One of Levi's earliest memories was getting his head bust open against one of his room’s walls by a man who came barging in, shouting something about a woman named Kuchel. How she owed him something, but Levi couldn't understand what he was saying from the ringing of his ears. The man had his small head lifted by a fistful of hair, allowing the blood to drip down onto his face while he shouted some more, unamused at his lack of response.  
Through hiccups and tears, he somehow managed to convince the man that he didn't know who he was speaking about. With one last kick to his gut that left him curled up on the floor, gasping for breath, the man had left. He couldn't stop the sobs from wracking him, begging for his mother to come home and comfort him. When she does, hours later, she finds him in the same position the man had left him. Curled up and in a puddle of his blood. She cursed, lifting his small, malnourished body off the floor and took him to the bathroom where she tended his wounds to the best of her abilities. He clung to her, chasing the sense of safety she provided him while terror was still coursing through him. She spoke soft words to him, soothing him enough to melt in her embrace.

Levi cherished every moment he had with her.

One of his favorite memories of her was barely a month before she died. She used to make Levi make the tea, talking about how important of a skill it was to make proper tea. Levi didn't mind, as he had loved tea just the way his mother did. Later he came to realize that they like it very differently from the rest of the people, and if he hadn't learned how to make it (seconds away from burning) he’d be fucked.  
He remembers when he’d made it perfectly the first time, how her eyes lit up like he’d just done the best thing that’s ever happened to her.  
That look in her eye changed something in him, even though his hands burnt from the tea he spilled on them minutes ago.  
He felt pride coursing through him, warm and soothing. She hugged him while they sipped the tea he's made on the ground, reveling in her embrace.  
When she’d fallen ill, Levi didn't really understand what was happening. As her face started to get sunken in and her beautiful raven hair began to fall out, he slowly began to understand what was happening. Levi knew there was nothing that could be done when he attempted to shove soup past her lips, only for her to cough it back up. Tears welled up in his eyes every time he laid eyes on her, while she shushed him, telling him that it’s okay and that she loved him no matter what happens.  
He held her every night, whispering his love in her ear before her eyes would close and all he could hear was the blood rushing to his ears, fear coursing through his veins hoping that she’d open her eyes again after the night was done.

When Levi noticed her breathing had slowed until it had ceased, he called out her name, tried to shake her awake. When she didn't budge and it settled that she’ll no longer wake, Levi lost it.  
That was the first time he felt true pain, one that he couldn't get rid of. He felt like he was getting stabbed over and over, and there was nothing he could do about it. He found himself on the floor with his knees brought up to his chest, wailing until his lungs gave out, unable to get his eyes off her rotting body. Right then and there, something breaks inside him and suddenly all he feels is emptiness.

Levi stays where he is for god knows how long, drowning in the smell of decay. Until a man bursts through the door, standing there calling out for Kuchel.  
That’s when he told him she was dead, to not waste his breath calling out for her.  
His face twists, diverting his attention to him. The man asks him what his name is and Levi does. The man says his name is Kenny and lends a hand out for him to take. Levi stares at him dead in the eye, knowing his mother didn't exactly associate with the most decent of men, most of which came looking after her with the intent of killing her sometimes. Levi had no reason to take the hand stretched out before him, wanting to die right there with his mother, but he also had no reason not to take it. What was the worst this man could do to him? He’s already lost her and she was everything to him. When the man tells him his name is Kenny, he stands up and takes his hand, lets him lead him outside where his mother’s corpse stays.

Levi’s gotten hurt after that. He’s been beaten into a bloody pulp, stabbed and beyond broken, and Kenny wrapped him up each time and told him to work harder. He grew to like being hurt, a pain that he knows will pass. He craved it, craved to be broken, and mended back like a mold.

When Erwin was standing there in front of him, eyes hard as he told him he knew what he was after, telling he got his family killed for nothing, he felt the familiar pain filling his chest, the tears welling up and the unfamiliar stabbing of regret. He looked at Erwin until the man became nothing but a blurry mass. Levi falls to his knees, the mud cold beneath him, feeling Furlan and Isabel's listless eyes boring into him, burning him from the inside out.

“Don’t. The more you think about it the more you’ll regret it. Don’t regret this, Levi.”

Levi attempts to process his words through his labored breathing. He hears Erwin tell him to get on his horse and follow him, and when he comes back to his senses, he climbs onto his horse, not looking back where his family would become nothing but bones before him.

That’s how Levi finds himself by Erwin’s side, with nothing to lose once again. Kenny had long abandoned him, god knows where he is now if he's not dead, and he'd lost his friends too. He was once again, a kid with no one to back him up, left to follow whoever it was to find him in that state. So Levi is stuck by Erwin, following his every order, because there’s nothing else left for him to do. Levi kills titan after titan, hoping to ease the fire that’s brewing inside of him, and only when he stands in the middle of an open field, with titans hurling in his direction, does he realize he needs something. He needs pain, he needs to feel something other than this unrelenting agony. With a tight jaw, he forces himself not to jump into the inviting mouth of a titan for the rest of the expedition that day.

Levi gets used to a life where the sun shines down on him mercilessly, where the grass is slightly wet under his clothes and the air is brisk and smells like freedom.  
He closes his eyes and breathes, with nothing to think about. Nothing that didn't wind up hurting him in a way he didn't want to be hurt anymore. Levi wasn't like the rest of the recruits he saw every day. They were here for a reason, whether it be vengeance or wanting to make their parents proud. He had none of it. He was there because there was nothing else for him, so he took up killing titans like a hobby. Erwin saw that in him, knew what he could make of Levi if he made him lose all that he had. And he did it because that's who Erwin was. And Levi couldn't help but admire that about him. He always got what he wanted, did whatever it took to get what he believed, not allowing morals to come into play. If there was something that Levi came to find out about Erwin, it was that the man knew no boundaries. If he believed something was good for humanity, he did it. If it made him believe it’ll make his dream come true, to see and understand what was beyond the walls he was going to do it, even if it meant standing on top of a mountain of corpses that he had caused. Each life taken fell into hands but bared no space on conscience. And if it did, he sure as hell didn't make it apparent when he did it again and again, with no remorse.

Levi couldn't help but admire his dedication to something. He wondered briefly about how it would feel to have something to fight for. Levi never exactly had a goal, he survived. For as long as he could remember, he only meant to survive, hoping for something to come out of it. He lived to protect and provide for Furlan and Isabel, but nothing beyond. Dare he say he was perfectly fine with living like a rat in the underground killing and stealing for the rest of his life.  
But Furlan wanted out, he wanted all of them out. He believed that they'll be happy when the sun shone down on them, perhaps some vitamins they were missing from the complete darkness they lived in. Furlan would sit next to Levi when he was on the ground, leaning against the wall with his head tucked between his arms. He’d speak to him just to distract him from his own self and kept talking even when Levi wouldn't say anything back. Eventually, Levi would lift his head, and lean it on Furlan, and he’d take the opportunity to sneak an arm around Levi.  
He’d never admit how much comfort that brought him, how much ease Furlan's kind eyes made him feel. When Isabel would barge in with a new injured animal every now and then, with fire behind her eyes, he’d never admit how much like family that felt to him. When she’d called him her brother, the warmth that spread in his chest was far too similar to making tea well for the first time for his mother. He reveled in the warmth they brought him, thinking how he’d do everything to keep them by his side. That’s usually the point where their lifeless, decapitated heads would invade his mind, jolting him from his peaceful memories. But this time, it was a voice.

“What’re you doing out here?”

Levi opens his eyes, darting quickly before landing on the tall blond. He winces, his body stiff from lying on the grass for god knows how long now.

“What does it look like I'm doing?” Levi replies, irritated. Erwin looks down on him, offering his hand for him to stand up. He frowns at his hand, instead choosing to lift himself from the ground. Erwin takes no offense, expecting that from him. He's been a part of the scouts legion for a while now. Not long enough to warm up to him yet, though.

“Like you're trying to get a heat stroke,'' Erwin says in return, making Levi lift his hand to his face to frown further at how warm it felt. Erwin excuses him practically ditching his duties to sit in the sun, reasoning that he might’ve needed it after years and years of barely seeing it. Levi takes a look at the building before him, where he was meant to be sweeping the floors. He didn’t mind, he liked cleaning when others saw it as a punishment. He just saw the sun shining so bright and something in him couldn't keep him from lying under it, allowing himself for a split second to wonder how much Isabel would’ve liked it. Levi goes back to work without a second thought, not bothering to reply. Erwin stares at him until he disappears out of sight, before heading back to his office.


	2. Formage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's still new to this whole soldier's life. While he'd expected the fighting to be challenging, it turns out respecting superiors is much, much harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love writing multiple chapters only to scrap the entire thing last minute and go in a completely different direction.  
> idk dudes hope this isn't too bad.  
> i also think i might be updating every week, but me and schedules don't work.  
> anyway lol enjoy!

It’s been almost two months since both Furlan and Isabel had died. Levi had become a soldier, one that had come to be feared and avoided, often because he didn’t mind stepping up to anyone and knocking them on their ass. He never paid mind to any of their punishments. Cleaning had been one of his hobbies, so to speak, and isolation was only slightly bothersome. He was used to lack of food and water so that never worked either. It wasn’t like Levi purposefully picked fights or trouble, he tries to avoid them with all his might, but sometimes he gets driven past his line of limit. Levi’s never been obedient, but he’d never stepped too far out of line. That was another one of Kenny’s lessons, as he often got cornered and beaten with a belt when he’d misbehaved as a child.

"Don’t bow down to people, or you’ll become breakfast by next morning, but never mess with someone you know you can’t take."

That’s what he’d always say, while the belt flew down on him mercilessly. Levi took it, knowing Kenny was only doing this to teach him. It hurt, but each time he’d try to show it less and less, knowing that’s what Kenny wanted from him. Each time hurt just the same, only marginally less, but he swallowed his cries and instead tried to dodge the blows instead.  
Except right now, Levi couldn’t dodge the blows, his arms spread far out and bound by chains. No matter how hard he tugged on them, the chains would only rattle, not showing any signs of breaking, only bruising his wrists further. 

“Count, you disrespectful fucking runt, count!” 

The officer has obviously been having a bad day, or week by how hard the whip was landing on his bare, exposed back. His knees ached, pants soaked through from the puddle of blood he was kneeling on. Levi gnawed at his bottom lip, biting and chewing on it hoping to distract himself from the sharp sound of the whip cutting through the air before landing on him. 

Levi remained silent, not uttering a single word. The only sounds that managed to escape him were occasional gasps and panting. It fucking hurt, there was no doubt in that, the sweat that was dripping down his face and covering his body only fueled the fire. 

The officer lets out a noise of quickly rising frustration, clear anger seeping into every blow. Levi was only supposed to get ten lashes, after punching his team leader square in the face and breaking his nose. He’d been on edge and that fucker thought he could talk shit about Isabel without consequences. He’d ignited a fire inside of Levi, one that still hasn’t calmed down, even under this relentless agony. After Levi refused to count, the officer just kept going and going, determined to break him under the whip. What they’ve yet come to accept, was that Levi was stubborn. As stubborn as it gets, as evident by his current situation. He wasn’t going to let the officer get what he wanted, he wasn’t going to mutter a single word even if it meant he’d die in this dirty fucking cell, swimming in his own blood. 

As Levi loses more blood, the world starts to blur around him, unable to process the insults that are hurled at him from behind. His mind wanders and he wonders how much pain they were in.  
He was always the one with the good pain tolerance, after being subjected to it from an early age, and yet he was slowly crumbling with each passing lash. Levi couldn’t properly imagine being eaten, teeth clamping down on his body with no mercy. No amount of screaming would stop the monsters, no amount of begging or crying. Levi could easily end this, count and say he’s sorry, that he’d learned his lesson and that he wouldn’t do it again. And the pain would cease. They couldn’t. They were terrified, screaming for their lives knowing it was far too late.  
Levi hangs his head low, mind reeling. He’d let them hurt much more than he’s hurting right now, and it felt like he was suffocating. His arms mindlessly tug at the chains holding them, as if challenging the officer to hit harder. Begging for more, wanting. Levi can feel his lip dripping with blood, throbbing, and begging for him to release it from between his teeth. 

The officer puts his entire strength into the next lash and Levi jerks, a cry ripping itself from him. 

It’s been almost two months since Levi had joined them, and he’d noticed that lately, the tension had been quickly escalating. Levi had always been irritable, only listening when there was no chance for him not to. He routinely bickered with his superiors, unwilling to bow down and say yes to whatever they pleased. Erwin hasn’t heard about anything serious, other than simple complaints here and there. Cleaning well after hours, and constantly shitting on his team’s hygiene levels. Until now, when he was called to the infirmary, Levi’s teammate walking beside him, tense. Erwin asks what had happened, and the boy says, 

“I’m not sure, sir. We were gear training, and he held the gear wrong, I think, and sir Ness said something about a redhead. He’d just suddenly lost it, we don’t know.” 

Erwin nods at him, telling him off as he walks into the infirmary and sees Dita Ness with gauze over his nose, face swollen and blue, eyes screwed shut, radiating fury. 

Erwin had mentioned that he personally wanted information on what happens with Levi, or in other words, what Levi does. 

“The little bastard fucking punched me in the face! Who does he think he is?” 

Erwin sighs, assuring him it will not happen again, that he will personally see to Levi’s behavior.  
He pinches his nose and after knowing where Levi was, he takes Hanji and an aid kit with him. 

All that Levi sees behind his tightly screwed shut eyes is himself, between a titan’s teeth, being chewed on like a piece of gum. Each time the whip flew down on him, he’d imagined the titan’s teeth closing onto him, digging into his flesh, eagerly drinking his blood. As the wounds began to overlap one another, agonizing flesh that was already burning, it became harder and harder to keep his voice in check. He almost didn’t care. He was waiting for the next hit, anticipating it, and when it didn’t come, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

Kenny never tended to him after beating him, only after coming home with new cuts and gashes that he wasn’t the cause of. It was only then that his hands were soft on Levi’s battered skin, as kind as Kenny could be, anyway. He made sure to bandage him up while telling him how much of a dumbass he was to get whatever the injury was at the time and then telling him how to properly avoid it next time, but Levi knew there was no real bite behind it. Levi hated how much he liked it when Kenny was nice to him, wanting to lean into it and drown in it. He learned to soak up anything Kenny gave him, pain or not. Whatever it made him give him that stupid proud smile of his, Levi would do it. Even when it was stabbing that man right in the chest, while the crowd around them cheered for him to go on. 

Levi feels a soft hand on his back, gentle and caring. His eyes snap open, for a moment hoping to see Kenny’s face, telling him about how stupid he’d been to get himself here, but he sees Hanji’s face instead, colored with concern. He jerks under her hand, pain blooming where it sat. She murmurs soft words for him to calm down, unshackling his arms and getting a loud hiss from him at the sudden release of tension. 

“Jesus christ Levi, what did you do?” 

He’d been transferred to a different team for whatever reason. Levi didn’t ask, just moved rooms wordlessly.  
Levi was never late, but that morning was an exception. He woke up with a startle, drenched in a cold sweat. He rarely forgot dreams, his brain’s own personal way of torturing him nightly. He grew to sustain himself with as little sleep as he possibly could, that landing around three hours every night. The blood and dismembered bodies still haunted him behind closed eyes, and he found himself in worse shape for the wear the longer he slept. His bed was soaked underneath him, sticking to his body and making him cringe at the feel of it. He slows his breathing, willing his heart to calm down. Levi didn’t remember what he dreamt about, and by his reaction, he didn’t know if he was glad or not.  
His roommate wasn’t sleeping soundly in his bed, and the sun was too high for it to be before nine in the morning.  
Levi was late. Evidently not late enough for Ness to send someone to drag him out of bed, but late nonetheless. He briefly wondered why his roommate hadn’t bothered to at least nudge him as he hastily put his uniform on. Levi curses under his breath, the harness tangling between his fingers, and he somehow manages to hate this choice of design even more. 

By the time he makes it out, Ness looks like he’s already prepared his speech of discipline. Levi feels annoyance bubble in him as his team leader goes off as if relishing in the fact that he’s scolding Levi, and Levi immediately wants to punch that stupid smug look on his face.  
But he takes a deep breath in and says nothing, taking his gear and adjusting it instead. 

It was maneuver gear training. The sun shone down brightly, their uniform unforgiving under the heat. His face had started to flush, skin unbearably hot and clammy.  
Levi huffs, gripping his gear tightly in his hand, preparing to take off when-

“What the fuck do you think holding the blades like that?” 

Levi stills to turn back and look at his superior, who takes the handle out of his hand, turning it and shoving it at him. Levi swallows, taking it without a word, but Dita doesn’t stop there.  
“What, aren’t you that Levi? Weren’t you the one with that annoying, loud redhead?”  
Words traveled fast about him, Furlan and Isabel. The ones that didn’t even know to properly salute. In the week they were there, many became familiar with Isabel while he and Furlan kept to themselves. Thinking and plotting on how to get Erwin, while Isabel made friends, chatting and laughing like she always did. 

It was a blur for him after that, blades dropping to the ground then he was pouncing on Ness like a rabid animal, fists swinging, landing each one on his face. He felt hands on him, his teammates trying to pry him off but he wouldn’t budge until he saw blood staining his hands. 

Then he was hauled off and getting walked somewhere, he wasn’t processing anything until a cell opened and he was shoved to the ground, shackled and beaten. Levi wanted to take it all back. He wanted to go back, fight and mess with military police, go back home to his friends, and brew tea for them while they complained about how shitty it tastes. He wanted it back more than anything. 

They take him to Hanji’s lab, where she bandages him up to the best of her abilities. Wounds like those couldn’t be stitched, the best they could do was disinfect it and change the wrapping and hope it doesn’t get infected. He doesn’t put up a fight, lets Hanji douse him in alcohol, staying in place even when it feels like his body was lit on fire. 

“Why did you do it, Levi?” 

Levi meets Erwin with hard eyes, almost reminding him of the time he’d charged at him a few weeks prior.

“You know why I did it, Erwin.” His voice is tired, drained, but you can hear the unadulterated anger behind it. 

Erwin takes a deep breath and heads out of the room, ordering Hanji to stay with him. And she does. She talks to him, her voice uncharacteristically low and he almost feels like she’s reading him a bed story. She talks and talks about things Levi doesn’t understand, but he listens. 

Levi listens until the sun sets and the room is lit by candles, until she’s too tired to talk more. Until Erwin comes back. Levi can see the twisted expression underneath his composed face.  
He sighs loudly and sits down on a chair, facing Levi. 

“You’re moved to Mike’s special operation squad. I trust you’ll be able to handle this responsibility.” 

Levi frowns but makes a faint noise of acknowledgment. He wonders why Erwin keeps getting him out of trouble, wonders if he’s truly worth what Erwin thinks he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. yes. that was that.  
> hope everyone has a lovely week!


	3. savoureux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there are very few things Levi can't deal with, and storms just happen to be one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline? who is she?   
> hello, how yall doing. it sure has been a while. i uploaded this chapter a while back but then deleted it bc ew?? so uhh this is the not very improved version. no point of keeping it in my drafts if i can't really change anything about it, ya know?   
> anyway, enjoy kids.

The weather isn’t exactly what Levi would consider suitable. The rain pouring down on him soaking him wet, the mud splashing onto his clothes from his running horse, the unforgiving fog clouding his vision. Levi wouldn’t consider this anywhere near suitable. His hair sticking to his face, the wind is cold,  _ so cold, _ almost feeling like broken glass slashing the soft skin of his cheeks. Quick breaths coming in out in puffs, he could hardly register his hard breathing whether it was because of the growing uneasiness, or the exhaustion properly setting in. 

It’s been years. Two, to be exact, and yet weather like this still made his chest tight. 

They could barely make out the flares amongst the thick fog, covering the sky like a blanket. The rain drowned most of the sounds of the flares, but they were not ordered to retreat. Somehow, they were still meant to stick to the formation, even when Titans lurked where no one could see. Every passing second seemed to add weight on his chest, every passing minute with no new orders weighed twice as much. Levi thinks he could smell it, the metallic, iron smell of blood even when he didn’t see any. His brain was anticipating the screams so much he thought he could hear it although he knows,  _ he knows _ , there isn’t any sound other than the hooves of his horse racing through mud, the wind and rain assaulting his ears. Nothing else. With deep, icy breaths that agonize his tight throat, he focuses his eyes forward with his lips firmly between his teeth. 

They usually didn’t go outside the walls in such weather as they lost more casualties than they could afford, and the numbers of the branch had been getting lower and lower every year. It was sunny when they first went outside the walls, the sky was a clear blue and the air was crisp. It soured suddenly, with no prior indication. The clouds turned darker in what seemed like seconds, clumping together and thundering loudly. It started pouring not too long after that, along with the knots that found themselves a home in his stomach. 

The sound of the wind is cut by a sharp scream, one that Levi knows is real this time. 

His movements falter and he almost flinches when more begin to follow, the atmosphere thickening and he knew, he knew this would happen, not like it hasn’t happened before, but there was a small part of him that wished he wouldn’t be close enough to hear it. Not close enough for it to be engraved onto his mind, not close enough for it to be the new plague of his dreams. 

But he was, and his breath gets caught in his throat before he could make a decision. 

_ There is no decision making, there’s only sticking to orders and formation.  _

Levi wasn’t the most empathetic man out there, edging on the opposite if anything. Screams came and went every expedition, there was no escaping it and Levi didn’t let himself get worked up over it. He couldn’t possibly save everyone, one or two while trying to fend for his fellow teammates was hard enough. The number of times they’d freeze up in the hands of a titan, unable to draw their blades because of the tight grip had Levi on constant alert because of them. Rookie mistakes, they were, and he still couldn’t truly understand the blatant and unadulterated fear coming face to face with a titan. 

Either you’re sharp and focused and manage to kill it in time, or you didn’t. There was hardly anything more to it. Hardly anymore different than a human. If Levi had to say, he’d say people were harder to fight. 

He learns to tune out the screams that he knew he couldn’t do a thing about and took his chances with some if the circumstance is right. 

Right now, this wasn’t what was going on in his mind. What was racing through his head was the high pitched wailing that drilled itself too far into his skill and the need to stop it. 

Mike turns to look at him for a split second, his eyes wide and authoritative,  _ Do not dare.  _ Levi hears it through his expression, but he guesses Mike already knows, even before he tugs his horse towards the direction of the noise.

“Levi!” 

But he doesn’t stop, doesn’t bother to look back because it was far too late to turn back now, not after the desperate cries are getting louder and louder, ringing in his head and muddling his thoughts together. 

The closer he got, the more splashed against his boots, streaking up his white pants, effectively staining them. His breathing is somehow even harder, the fog begins to dissipate and he brings his horse to a halt, drinking in the sight before him.

The ground was redder than anything else, his eyes danced from torn limbs to dismembered bodies, few heads scattered here and there. An entire team, aside from the one the abnormal was chewing on like a dog toy, and the other on the ground staring with wide eyes, mouth open in a silent cry. The abnormal was growling lowly as if humming in satisfaction with the snack it so eagerly sank its teeth in. 

The air stilled, the only sound echoing from the walls the fog engulfed them in was the crushing of bones. The blood gushed in earnest, and Levi couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe because there was red hair in low pig-tails, because big brother wasn’t here in time. Somewhere in his mind, he knew it wasn’t who his mind had decided it was, but his eyes saw enough to tug at his chest, like a string of yarn pulling him towards her. The wires of his gear are shooting out, hooking themselves around its feet and he wasted no time slicing them with precise movements. The titan fell to the ground, the body slipping out of its jaws before it had the time to swallow her. Before the titan could properly react, he’d already sliced the nape in mere seconds. 

The giant body is already disintegrating, blood fading into thin air. But the girl doesn’t. Her body is roughly chewed through, leaving her looking more like a drawing you’d see in medical books than something real. But she was real, more real than him maybe. The boy is mumbling to himself, a whisper of a name, Levi thinks, with eyes locked onto the corpse before him. It’s only when he properly kneels to look at her, the whisper of Izzy a ghost on his cold, blueing lips, does he see her brown eyes and light-colored hair. Her hair wasn’t red, that was merely the blood staining it red. This wasn’t Isabel, looked nothing like her, and yet he stares at her as if he killed her with his own hands. The boy is crawling closer, through the blood that was once his team’s now seeping through his clothes. All it took was one look at him for Levi to realize that this is his first time on the field, and he’d lost everyone. 

“Lisa? Lisa,” the boy is tangling his fingers through her matted hair, whispering her name through broken sobs as if she’ll turn and answer him. He moves to hug her to his chest, eyes glazed in disbelief, soft sweet-nothings spoken against her ear, and Levi can’t do a thing besides stare at the scene playing out before him.

His fingertips feel numb, he doesn’t even know if he’s holding the blades in his hands or had them drop, the listless eyes seemingly staring right at him in accusation. Her head is tilted to stare at him, through him, and he doesn’t know where to hide. There’s no place to hide, out in the field where titans were eagerly waiting to swallow them and spit them out like nothing. There was nowhere to hide, not now or ever. Nothing would ever feel safe, because if safe wasn’t in his room under the covers, safe wouldn’t be anywhere near here. Not when the fog was growing thin, the sun shining through the cracks of the clouds, making the blood shine in its wake. 

It shone like pearls that looked like they belonged around Royals’ necks in balls, where the wine complimented the jewelry all too much. The warm colors of the sun resembling chandeliers, oranges casting down and lighting the land below. 

“Levi! Get back, this is an order!”

Mike’s shove at his shoulder brings him out of his trance,  _ shit how long has it been? Has he just been staring the entire time?  _

Mike’s eyes are uncharacteristically sharp, wordlessly telling him to get his shit together, that now is absolutely not the time, and Levi tightens his grip on his blades even when he barely feels them. He walks back to his horse, feet dragging against the mud, digging and burrowing. He barely focuses, just tries his best to follow Mike’s lead while he shouts orders and he obeys because his head feels light and he wants this to be over. He wants this god-forsaken expedition to be over, to just lay in bed until his mind cleared and his throat stopped closing on its own. 

He sees one racing towards them at one point, he forgot how many he’d killed, it was all a blur, fading from his consciousness as if they never existed, to begin with. He stares at Mike, waiting for orders knowing if he looked away for one second he might not hear him. He looks back at Levi, gesturing to him towards the titan that’s hurling towards them and he hops on his horse, legs shaky but not betraying him quite yet. 

The grappling hooks land one on a tree and the second on the titan’s shoulder, gaining enough leverage to aim for the nape, mustering whatever power his numb limbs had left in them to cut through. The titan falls almost immediately and the hook follows with Levi not regaining balance and crashing to the ground along with it. Had fate played an even funnier joke on him that day, the titan wouldn’t have been a mere six-meter class. He lands on his right shoulder, pain blooming upon impact. He screws his eyes shut, dizzy, and disoriented and he doesn’t really think he’s steady enough to walk back to his horse. He hears the sounds of shuffling, but it’s muffled and his breathing is so loud in his ears he barely registers anything else. Shallow, quick breaths make their way out of him as he struggles to keep his eyes focused. It wasn’t that bad of a fall, though he was sure he now had a nasty bruise blossoming on his shoulder, but it was the fear and vulnerability gnawing at him made him panic. He felt so out of control, everything around him felt too fast and he couldn’t catch up and it made his throat tighter, face numb, and tingling.

He vaguely heard someone shout for a medic, and he tries to say that he’s fine and he doesn’t need medical attention, but his voice doesn’t come out. He feels like he’s dying, thinks that he is as he feels himself getting hoisted up, he thinks that he’ll indulge himself this one time. In the end, they all were most likely going to die on the battlefield, and if today was his decided day then he couldn’t argue, now could he? 

__________________________________________

Contrary to his last rather irrational and unnecessary thoughts, he’s in fact alive and breathing. 

When Levi’s eyes open this time around, the haziness in his mind is gone, vision cooperating and his limbs flow with sensation. The slight high of finally not being out of it wears off in nearly an instant and he feels overwhelmed with just how much he feels like utter shit. Shocks of pain travel up and down his arm and shoulder with every passing rock and pebble the wagon hits, and when he sneaks a look at it he sees it bandaged, but the bruise is visible around the edges. 

“Sir, you fell on your shoulder and bruised. A few scratches, but nothing major. It should heal in a few days,” a young soldier beside him says. Had she not spoken, he might’ve not even realized she was there altogether. He nods at her in acknowledgment and she knows better than to say anything more.

He stares at the almost clear blue sky now, the sparks from his shoulder keep him grounded when his mind begins to wander. 

The ride back to the walls is uneventful, the sky remains clear without the disturbance of flares. At one point he sits up, grimacing at how filthy he feels. Sticky and stained and downright disgusting. He feels the grime caked underneath his nails and on his skin, thick in his hair and just about anywhere he can see. His clothes feel weighted down with the dirt, heavy on his body and he wants nothing more than to reach the walls and take them the fuck off. 

Feeling the odd sense of disappointment pooling deep in his gut, Levi realizes a little too late that he might’ve fucked up.

  
  


Back at the base, Levi finds himself getting dragged by Hanji towards her lab when he was on his way to his quarters.

“Four eyes, fucking let me go,” Levi fruitlessly tries to pry her hands off of him, but the look on her face makes his stomach twist. Her grip tightens around his wrist and he stops trying to get away, even when every fiber of his being was telling him to get her hands off of him right this instant. The word danger swims in his mind and the closer they get to the lab the more agitated he is. She opens the door and pushes him in, securely locking it behind them. Feeling like a caged animal, he stares at her as she wipes her face down with her hands.

“What happened, Levi?” it bothers him, probably more than it should, that there’s no frustration in her voice. Or anger, for that matter. 

“I don’t know,” he says. Sighing, he stumbles back to sit on one of the chairs behind him. 

She stares down at him and he meets her intense gaze with one of his own. 

“What do you want me to say?” he says at last after their staring competition renders his eyes dry and sore. He’s tired. So tired, all he wants is to sleep the heaviness of his head away.

“Maybe something along the lines of the truth so I could do something, do you realize-” her voice is abruptly cut off by the loud rattling of the door handle and their heads turn sharply at the sound. Hanji eyes the door with hesitation, not moving to open it. 

“Hanji, open the door.” 

Mike’s usually quiet voice booms from behind it, the rattling of the handle turning into banging on wood, and he can feel the anxiety radiating off of Hanji in waves. He sees the conflict on her face, and she throws him a glance he can only describe as apologetic as she moves to unlock the door. 

“Mike! Good to see you, how’s it going? I’ve been meaning to give you my report-” but he doesn’t look at her, grunts in frustration when she keeps moving to block his vision. 

His eyes search the room until they land on Levi, who’s seated at the edge of a chair, staring at him with furrowed brows.

Their eyes meet and suddenly, Levi feels like he’s back in the underground, getting chased by him like prey ready to be devoured. Though right here, right now, Levi can’t fight his superior back, can’t do a thing other than wait and see how it pans out for him.

“Levi,” Mike’s voice is loud and steady, authoritative in a way he’s only seen in battle. 

“Meet me inside.” 

As Levi makes his way to the blond’s office, his feet drag helplessly across the floor. He hadn’t had enough time to change and bathe, the filth long dried on his skin, sinking and burrowing deep inside him in disgust he hasn’t felt in a long while. The exhaustion has settled in his bones, muscles singing with pain, and the urge to turn his heels and make a run to his room and wash his body off was strong. But the fog in his mind is not so thick that he doesn’t realize he’s in some shit, and to do that he would most likely find himself in even deeper shit. He knew he’d messed up, and he was ready for whatever the consequences were.

Levi could go as far as to say he’d enjoyed being a part of Mike’s team. They stayed out of each other’s way, no hostility in the air between them. The orders weren’t bothersome, he stayed out of trouble and spent most of his time training. 

He stands behind the door, sighing before letting himself knock on the wood three times. Normally, Levi wouldn’t bother to wait for the soft  _ come in  _ before barging in, but he waits patiently to hear Mike’s voice before slowly opening the door. 

He stands in the middle of the office, arms crossed to his chest, staring at the blond who drops his pen upon noticing him. When their eyes meet, Levi feels anxiety pooling deep in his gut, the hard glare he gets in return is unusual. He’s never really seen Mike like this since the day he met him, and he has to fight the urge to snag his knife that’s hidden in his boot. 

“I would like for you to explain today’s events,” he says slowly, every word coming out between clenched teeth. He knows Mike is beyond pissed at him, couldn’t even blame him. Had the roles been reversed, Levi would’ve probably thrown him into a titan’s mouth the second he decided to disobey direct orders. 

And a part of Levi sort of wishes he was thrown in a damned titan’s mouth if he had to be a little too honest with himself at the moment. 

No words leave Levi, bottom lip crushed between his teeth and biting down mercilessly. He can taste the iron on his tongue and it makes his stomach churn. Too much blood, on his clothes and his skin and matted into his hair, in his mouth and it’s too much. It’s all he can taste and smell and feel, and Levi feels trapped. Trapped in this office with his superior, who looks at him with a grim expression and he can’t take it. Can’t take the disgusting feeling of filth on him. 

“ _ Levi _ .” 

“I don’t know! I don’t fucking know, Mike. If I knew I wouldn’t have let it happen.” 

Frustration eats away at him because he doesn’t know. Trying to recount the day is only a blur to him. He remembers the cold, the rain, and the unmistakable stickiness of  _ blood _ beneath his boots. He remembers his blades drawn almost too many times, the grass and mud sticking to his face. Remembers the dull ache of his shoulder, barely feeling it right now. 

“You broke formation, disobeyed direct orders, and nearly got your shoulder ripped off. Risked my entire team, and got one of them killed, Levi. Do you understand? Do you?” 

Mike is seething, hands balled into fists on the desk and if Levi would just look at him, tear his eyes away from the ashtray he’s all too suddenly fixated on, he’d see the result of his actions in twisted faces and poorly masked grief. He did this. His jaw is tight, and he screws his eyes shut for a few seconds, fighting the growing shame and guilt and the quiet throb of his shoulder is no longer enough to ground him in any way. 

“If punishment is what you’re looking for, fucking go ahead,” Levi says, and barely has a second to regret the words that came out of his mouth before Mike is standing up abruptly, the chair screeching loudly in his wake. He storms past him, the sound of the door handle smacking against the wall is loud enough to almost make Levi flinch, but the roar Mike gives sends a shiver down his spine. 

“Flagon!” 

He hears footsteps, urgently getting closer to the door where his squad leader is standing, and the thump of a salutation. 

“Underground cells. Two weeks.” 

He doesn’t waste time standing in the middle of the office, he turns around and walks ahead of the soldier that’s supposed to be leading him towards the cells, but not before sparing one last glance at Mike. 

He should be angry, Levi thinks, but he can’t deny he deserves it. 

But what he also can’t deny is the rapidly forming lump of panic in his throat.

He walks fast, the soldier barely able to keep up with his pace, numb feet dragging him to the familiar cells once more. 

He deserves it, Levi’s mind repeats the entire way, he deserves it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> torturing levi is one of my hobbies

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that wasn't too too bad. do the stuff where you kudos and comment if you want.   
> hope ya'll have a nice day. i'll see you next update!


End file.
